We’re at the highest level of emergency protocol here, people. This is nothing to joke about or to be taken lightly. I have just discovered my life is in serious peril here in the country of South Korea and I don’t know if I’m going to survive it. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I was starting to run low on groceries, so my friend and fellow teacher, Erin, and I went to HomePlus, one of the major grocery chain in the area, to stock up on much needed supplies. Oh… if only I’d known what I was about to discover, I wouldn’t have gone on this trip and continued to live in peaceful bliss.
We arrived at the store and were filling the cart with the much needed supplies. I’d picked up some bulgogi, a couple glass pitchers for making iced tea and some delicious wheat bread that I recently discovered they finally started selling in Korea. As our trip was winding down, I suddenly remembered something I needed to pick up. I ran to the chip and cracker aisle to snag a couple bags of my comfort snack… Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Cheese Goldfish Crackers.
I turned the corner to the aisle and that’s when it happened. The most horrible atrocity I’d encountered since my arrival to these shores just over a year ago. My hands are shaking as I type this. I went to grab at the bag of heavenly comfort, when I noticed… there were no bags of Goldfish Crackers. Instead, in their place, I found… GENERIC PRINGLES!!!
This couldn’t be happening to me!!! Then the gears of my mind started whirling. Perhaps I was on the wrong aisle… nope. Maybe they were on another aisle with the dessert Pepperidge Farm products… THAT HAD TO BE IT.
NADDA!!!
I tried to run to find Erin, but my legs barely moved. She spotted me in my desperate state and asked me if I was okay. My voice quivered as I told her of my grisly discovery. She refused to believe it. She beckoned an employee, pointed to the shelf and in her best broken Korean tried to ask about the crackers. When he didn’t understand, she tried acting like a fish by puckering her lips and flapping her hands on her cheeks like gills. Suddenly the man understood. He called the back on his walkie and for a few tense, breathless moments… we waited.
Then the reply…
He waved his hands at us, in an indication that they no longer carried the only snack that could possibly help get me through the hardest times in my life. I kept thinking I need Goldfish Crackers at this moment to help me cope with my lack of Goldfish Crackers. My knees began to buckle as I could no longer support my body weight. My fingers went numb as my body when into a cold shock. I was dying.
How long could I last? Sure, I have 5 1/2 bags of my new favorite flavor (Garden Cheddar Flavor-Blasted Goldfish), but how long will those really sustain me? I give it until October before I’m forced to throw myself out my 11th floor apartment window.
We made it back to the van, a look of weariness accompanied the drool that was now running out my permanently opened mouth. The life-force drained completely from my body, we returned home. I put the now seemingly insignificant items I bought away in their cabinets and various new homes. I collapsed into bed, my life completely devastated.
How will I make it without my Goldfish???























